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The Space Between Insane And Insecure

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
10:23 am - with empty words it was my ego telling me why
you'd think that I'd want to at least attempt to avoid over generalizing, but really, so many things just aren't my problem.

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Sunday, April 16th, 2006
6:55 pm - Divorcing Reality
The couple next to me is discussing the details of their divorce, and I honestly feel like crying.

The contempt that they have for each other is so thick that you can almost hear their eyes rolling.

I hope that I never have to look someone in the eyes and tell them that I am entitled to the George Forman because it falls under the legal category of "extra expenses".

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Saturday, April 15th, 2006
3:38 pm - Thought
It occurred to me, as I was consuming mass quantities of japanese udon noodles this afternoon, that I am in a continual state of reassuring myself that I am in fact saner than most people I know. This issue doesn't seem to want to resolve itself, especially in the face of such glaringly hypocritical instances as "waking up with confusing company: 2006!" or "smoking a bowl Im 90% sure was laced with coke: 2006".

Its funny, sometimes I wonder if I somehow feel morally obliged to act on impulses that lead me to behave like an out of control teenager. Do I have an irresponsible civic duty to remove all suspicion that Im slowly traversing a slippery slope?

i think college is interesting, but i might be wrong.

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
11:29 pm - smells like college
two things. I swear.

The coffee shop is possibly the gayest place I have ever been.,

perhaps in response to this observation, or maybe to an earlier sandwhich, I passed gas twice and then laughed to myself for at least 5 minutes.

its hard getting such a kick out of myself, but then again it might be all I have.

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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
11:57 am - Portland, Oregon
I had a dream that I was in greece last night...for some inexplicable reason I was sharing a hotel room with a midget fortune teller and a man who was wearing what can only be described as quad-focals. I was riding a ride that was similar to pirates of the carribean and was telling anyone who would listen how interesting it was that creatures that so closely resembled dinosaurs appeared to be jumping from the water and flailing in the air, like dolphins with considerably more armor. Everything was breathtaking despite its mythical qualities. The most breathtaking portion was the feeling of freedom that a dream--something that isn't real, for all Ive been led to understand and believe--afforded me. It was powerful, to say the least. More importantly, it seemed right in the way that so many other ambiguous decisions have seemed so hazy.

The last entry I wrote wasn't in a drunken stupor...thats simply not descriptive enough. It was a drunken fit of disappointment and dissillusionment, culminating in the misuse of certain words and sounding altogether like I had just locked myself in a small closet with a can of gold spray paint. Still--and ill allow myself to stop if I sound entirely too self-involved--there is something fascinating about reading something like that in such a completely different state of mind, only a few hours after the fact. I used to be so ashamed and embarassed of drunken journal entries, as if some grand-scale secret would somehow wiggle its way to the surface whenever I wasn't in complete control of my words.

Moderation isn't my enemy, its just an old friend I have yet to forgive.

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Saturday, January 7th, 2006
1:30 pm - Departing Address
This morning I awoke with a pounding headache, a dry throat and essentially no knowledge of the events that led to me passing out in an upright position on my futon. Yet...despite all that, or perhaps because of it, I was suddenly overwhelmed with an inexplicable, quasi-overwhelming appreciation for the absurdity of my life.

"And I think I could fall in love with anyone, because to me people are the most fun"

current mood: ecstatic

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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
12:09 pm - Just another enlightened spirit
Jeremiah 10:2-8 - Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.... They are altogether brutish and foolish.


Well shitsky, I guess I'm decorating the tree with fire and brimstone this year.

current mood: hating Mya 3D

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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
11:46 am - All in the Family
My cousin won John Mayer's Esquire Orphaned lyrics contest. If you read his interview, its not exactly hard to see the connection. I adore that guy and he deserves everything and more (give the guy a sandwhich).



The T-Man

Also check out http://www.timfagan.com.


But hey, I have no problem continually reminding people that we are related. This tends to happen when I am (occasionally) questioned in Ann Arbor after presenting my debit card; I have suspicions it might have gotten me a few discounts....but probably not.

Support the good guys. Add him on Myspace (if you're reading this, the probability that you dont spent 3 hours a day on my space is as unlikely as my native american heritage), if you're in L.A (which you might be), attend a show. Either way, my pride is unwaivering.

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
5:08 pm - the birds and the bees
I've started using class-time to brush up on my crossword puzzle skills, which I admit are pretty sub-par. I think I've fabricated a hypothetical battle between myself and the puzzles because if I don't do them, I feel that they have somehow won. In life? In proving that I am not puzzle-minded? I have no idea. What I do know is that I cannot return to a state of crossword puzzle complacency...especially since I go online and cheat anyway.

I've been reading Astronomy blogs on an almost daily basis and have since heightened my awareness of all things spacey. I don't have a whole lot in common with science geeks, probably because I have had sex and will never utter the words "your dragon just got hit with 5x damage!" in my lifetime. That aside, I love everything having to do with planets, physics and all that goes on in the abyss of space. One day, when it is financially justifiable, I want to buy an expensive telescope. Does the fact that I almost wrote microscope prove that I have no business dabbling in anything science related? We shall soon see.

I really enjoy the fact that everytime I talk to Ross on the phone, there is an obligatory 3 minute period in which we pretend/ignore the fact that one of us (or both, if we're being honest) is stoned. Then, after one of us says something that borders on inappropriate or laughs at something otherwise unfunny, there is about ten seconds of silence followed by a mutual exchange of laughter that can go on indefinitely.

eg.

Ross: Jazzle, Whats going on.
Jake: Nothing, I'm going to get food.
Ross: Dude, I just spent like a (muffled laughter) hundred dollars on groceries today because you guys completely cleared my house.
Jake: I know. We ravaged your home.
Ross: Yeah. (chortle) Ravaged. (chortle)

*silence*

*uncontrollable laughter*

Ross: I've been smoking all day.
Jake: I've been high since 5.

It's that kind of reliability that should be the framework of all friendships.

On a serious, borderline-poetic note, I have reached a new low in terms of productivity. If the fact that I just dedicated an entire entry to crossword puzzles and telescopes wasn't enough of an indicator, I seriously need to start kicking my own ass.

"Sometimes a bird meets a bee and will put his penis inside the bee's vagina. At first the bee is scared and uncomfortable and the experience borders on devastation, but eventually, despite that first encounter....or perhaps because of it, the bee begins to crave bird-cock." - Sarah Silverman

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Thursday, August 4th, 2005
3:11 am - Right of Passage
The wisdom teeth were extracted this afternoon.

The experience was marked by the following significant events:

-Recieving a phone call from Amalie Brettschneider on the hour, every hour for pretty much the entire day.
-Wanting to die.
-My flat out refusal to remove my contacts.
-Having no memory of waking up past insisting that I be allowed to wear a face mask for as long as I please before leaving the office.
-Insisting that I get to keep the wisdom teeth in an Orange container.
-Waking up several hours later on my couch, face mask still perfectly intact.
-Driving to Ross' at 1 in the morning to retrieve Burn-out.
-Again hoping for a swift death.

I took way too much Vicoden and have since concluded that my nose will probably never stop itching.

I also sent out a slew of text messages that may or may not have people convinced that Crack was actually the pain reliever of choice.

ah, oral surgery...how Juvenile.

I just hope it doesnt get in the way of delivering anymore petty cheap shots from over-sea's.

current mood: sore

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Monday, July 25th, 2005
2:43 pm - "I'll be honest, I don't know shit about cars"
There are few sensations quite as puzzling as the one that accompanied me when I woke up in my room to find an unconscious Ellen Creal to my right, and an equally down-for-the-count Ed from Wixom sleeping next to Heather Walter on the futon directly across from me.

It’s been a pretty random 24 hours.

My initial plan for Saturday was to waste away the day until Ellen called me, at which point I would drive with her to Ann Arbor for yet another party that sold itself as “clothing optional.”

I somehow ended up in Mt. Pleasant with Ryan, Melissa, and Ed, contemplating whether or not to blow 55 dollars on third row Killer’s seats, or blow 55 dollars on slot machines and a “wow this kind of tastes like rubber and antibiotics” Buffet. To protect the innocent and those who may regret their decisions I choose not to reveal which path we ultimately chose.

Either way the lead singer was wearing a suit that apparently had all the properties of a disco ball and a laser show. How do I know? Well because Terrence from Okemos was kind enough to tell me after I ran into him and was practically assaulted on the spot.

There was some sort of commotion going on in the parking lot after the concert let out…and by commotion I mean a solid hour and 15 minutes in which not a single car moved. This naturally led to car-to-car synchronization of “The Killers” songs as well as the exchange of some punishingly potent Bacardi between Ed and me. While he claimed to not be feeling anything, I am fairly confident that this little amount of alcohol galvanized a partying spirit within Ed that made him determined to reunite with the bottle at some point in the night. Originally we had planned a group field trip to Ann Arbor until Ryan learned that he had to work the next day, in the true spirit of a 45 year old man.

Entirely too long of a story cut entirely too short:

Ryan took me home. Ed and I hit my brand new pipe and somehow made it to Ann Arbor in under a half hour. Ellen refused to pick up her phone, making the new objective of the night to “find ellen at all costs”. She seemed to be dead, missing, unconscious, or all of the above until I learned that she was actually sitting three feet in front of me, trying to contact me from the middle of the street by waving her arms and screaming into the phone. Ed had in depth phone conversations with the following people:

Merry Shao, Sarah Schwartz, Lindsay Richardson (who was too busy modeling herself after a homeless person and getting some “god damn free bread” at three in the morning from Jimmy Johns), and everyone’s favorite sporadic party participant, Kelsey Herritty.

Kiel showed up later and joined us on the porch of the house that I actually don’t live in yet but apparently decided that I have porch privileges to regardless. Walnut Street is a big communal playground.

Next morning walked with Ellen, Heather Walter (who I am pleased to admit doesn’t suck, at all), and Ed to Frank’s Diner…again. It was a nice little U of M reunion with every member of Lyndon street minus Ari/Nicole, with the additions of Ed, Me, Deiter and Heather. Steph was as loveable as I remembered her being.

Ed got his credit card cancelled, Heather puked in a trashcan, and we all reached a mutual agreement that it had a been a very random night.

Drove Ed home, hit the giant yellow bowl again, realized that we had inadvertently ended up behind Ellen on the highway, who wasn’t really sure if the highway she had chosen would take her to Wixom or the random city that heather had to be in by 4.

Exhausting.

current mood: rejuvenated

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Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
3:03 pm - The End of Medicine
Well shit.

Time for a rundown in T.F.S format (thirst for speed, word)

This weekend consisted of…

Party at Alex’s (refer to previous post which I now realize can only be viewed by some people). There was a melon that was injected with booze without the aid of a syringe, which I can’t say that I fully supported given my fondness for needles. I consumed roughly 7 hot dogs within the course of 4 hours, owing largely to the fact that we decided early on to dispense with the etiquette of “taking it easy” and consuming “one substance at a time.”

Elliot came. The human-waste incarnate defied all expectations and made an appearance. Frickin sweet. Seriously.

Inappropriately timed rant about the ways that I hate Okemos:

I hate Okemos. I hate the fact that every person who I used to hang out with is now incapable of hanging out with one another. I have no group of friends any longer, just a lot of friends who hate each other and would rather shit a cocktail blend of broken glass and sandpaper than sit in the same room.

It’s refreshing to hang out with Alex and Marshall in moderation. I don’t think that I have very much respect for either of them but still appreciate the fact that they possess shamefully similar (to me) levels of insanity. Alex and Jessie broke up…so I can’t hang out with both of them at the same time. She and I drove around and smoked until coming upon an array of lawn ornamentations that were begging to be abducted.

Ross and Amalie are still my favorite people, despite their aloofness. I’m just tired of coming home to a painfully predictable environment.

I drove up north to spend time with the family. Within 10 minutes J.J had chipped the bottom half of his front tooth off with the aid of a Jet-ski gunning at 60 mph. Keep in mind this is the same kid who failed out of school, broke into our house and nearly gave my dad a heart attack, was forced to choose a boarding school and is widely speculated to be out of the drug trade. Talk about not catching a break.

My parents had the slight tendency of being over-served and under-fed, which was often hilarious and often completely insane. There was fountains of booze, fountains of extreme water sports and some of those explosive things that fly into the air and make all sorts of colors. You know the shit. It was a pretty damn good time though part of me wondered if I should have gone to the Bonfire. Ryan drunk dialed me approximately 4 times to reveal the full effects of absinthe and to detail the ingredients on the Hpnotic bottle. Some were funny, some he sounded downright upset.

Got a speeding ticket on the drive home, which blows heavy amounts of fried ass beef in every direction.

Alright I’m bored now.

current mood: curious

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Friday, July 1st, 2005
1:30 pm - Mass Romantic
Last night I found myself somewhat dissappointed with the lack of activity and "happenins" around town.

Then Mike called and announced (in an epiphanous tone) that they were planning on getting wasted beyond comprehension.

I miss proclamations like that. Now that class has ended, there is far less drinking, mostly because no one feels as though they have reached an occasion to reward themselves. Im convinced thats why 80% of recreational binge drinking takes place anyway.

I got completely obliterated. If I'm being honest, I am still currently obliterated. I awoke this morning with no socks on, a really sore set of knuckles, and a phone with keys that inexplicably refused to work. I marched down to the sprint store prepared to do battle, as I have on numerous occasions, but was instead met with a guy who was actually interested in fixing my phone. In the down time I bought The old New Pornographers CD and have since decided that they are my new favorite band. There was an unnecessary abundance of "new" and "old" in that last sentence.

Last night, instead of scoping my pocket for my keys, which are tradtionally used for the purpose of opening and closing locked doors, I decided to force entry into MY OWN HOUSE. For whatever reason I decided to punch through the glass window above my door at 3 in the morning, rendering my knuckles bruised and my housemates very confused. Luckily I didnt arouse any suspicions and Im fairly confident that their view of me doesnt have me in the running as a prime suspect.

Midway through the night I went over to Kelsey's quasi-abandoned apartment and smoked with her before bringing her back to Mike's room. I think its pretty damn hilarious that she and I have formed a relationship from one photography class and a whole lot of illicit substances. I also realized that I don't know a damn thing about her.

Oh and I also saw Roxy in the parking lot of 12 oaks, apparently moments before entering Hollister and confirming her fate for the evening. She even passed me her hot pink bottle for a sniff test, to which I replied with a thumbs up and words of encouragement. It can get you fired evidently, but I still support alcoholism in the workplace 100%.

BBQ at Mr. Gentile's tomorrow and assorted parties throughout the week. Im all pins and needles.

current mood: drunk

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Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
10:46 am - Selling Lemonade to the Overpaid
My living situation remains ambiguous. If I could afford the gas and the headache of US-23, I would commute back and forth much more frequently between A2 and O-town. The work situation complicates things...and people thought mulching was simple.

Talked to Liz for the first time in almost a year, learned that the Natalee girl who went missing in Aruba is her best friend. I can't imagine what that must feel like, to have your best friend plastered all over 24 hour news channels and still have no sense of resolution.

It's somewhat frightening being personally connected to such a publicized tragedy. Suze and I are figuring out something to send Liz, though we have narrowed our list to exclude any overt references to her Alabama heritage. That means (officially) no wagons, lasso's, waffle house coupons, etc.

I drove to Charlevoix on sunday afternoon to retrieve J.J from the depths of the Stover household. The fam was less than excited to see me, given the unfortunate day of golf, which apparently holds more weight on the emotional-breakdown berometer than was once suspected. I somehow managed to turn a 4 hour trip into a much more managable 2 hours and 15 minutes, thanks in part to a little thing I like to call "Thirst for speed 2005".

On a lighter note, I finally obtained Ellen's pants, that have supposedly been sitting unattended in Bo's company for entirely too long. Ah, the memories.

Finished "Kite Runner" after Carrie assured me it was worth it. Furthered my worldly dissolusionment.

More gravity bonging with Ross last night. Watched "Pauly Shore is Dead" and pretended to laugh numerous times. Nearly shit myself at the sight of THREE snakes stalking the perameter of Ross' building. Steve Lowe is one of my new favorite people, magenta pants aside.

Oh and my wisdom teeth are becoming an issue. Thats all.

current mood: awake

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Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
11:22 pm - Are You a Hunter Just Like Me?
lately I find myself having to pause and think "...are you serious...?" with an alarming frequency.

in significantly less wow-kill-me news, I am enjoying again living in the same town as Carrie Mather.

-Just the kid who missed the memo about all of this being fun.

current mood: frustrated

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Sunday, June 19th, 2005
7:08 pm - Yee-Haw
An interesting twist....

My parents are currently shopping around for boarding schools for J.J.

He essentially failed out of Okemos. He will more than likely have to move to west virginia, as family ties tend to make the majority of my families decisions. Yes, I too look forward to my brother driving home from boarding school in a pick up truck, dragging a black man behind him and sporting a young republicans t-shirt (popped collar, obviously).

I'm especially excited for him to start employing the liberal use of "ya'll". Seriously.

Even more fun is the fact that said boarding school is actually more expensive than U of M, which means that Pratt is no longer in the cards.

Hoo ha. Only marginally devistated.

When I was in danger of failing, Suze and Jim threatened to send me to the alternative high school where they send all the pregnant girls. That, or military school. Ritzy prep schools weren't even an option, whereas now they are apparently mandatory.

Since I don't presently know which angle I would like to dissect this issue from first...I'm just going to say my peace, count to ten, and breathe.

current mood: bitchin

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Monday, June 13th, 2005
12:39 pm - I Beat The Crucifix in a Game of Russian Roulette
I’m channeling some really strange form of solitary reclusion. I’ll give you a hint: it involves lots of pot.

Dave, Kennan, Alex, and Marshall came to party in AA two nights ago. I felt like I was actually being myself for the first time in god knows how long. We all have such unabashedly similar senses of humor, it’s almost hard to describe. Something about snuff films being filmed in storage B and Marshall being forced to consume a mandatory block of tofu with chopsticks.

I think we might have overwhelmed young Ellen Creal.

Ann Arbor is dead. Okemos is a cesspool. The remaining alternatives are sparse and slim.

When I don’t feel like talking to anyone, there is no changing my mind. Temporary social paralysis? Hey whatever you wanna call it. I want out of this shithole.

You’re a heart attack, just the kind I like.

current mood: weird

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Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
10:14 pm - Brett Ratner Blows Ass And Is Pretty Much The Worst Director Ever
I’m not exactly sure why I decided that taking a spring class was the most effective use of my time. The hours, while manageable, are beginning to dig into my schedule that was previously reserved for any and all forms of substance abuse. Remember that time that I ignored a class pre-requisite and ended up in a film class that sounds like its being taught in BINARY because everyone talks in abbreviations and inflects their voices so they sound just pretentious enough to remind people that they are in fact film majors and also that they hate me?

To remedy this situation I decided to smoke before my class movie screening tonight. I basically ended up leaving midway because I had seriously out of control munchies and kept dozing off for 15-minute increments. I returned with red eyes, a sandwich, and a blissful unawareness of the stares that came from all around the room.

There are the hardened remnants of a plastic straw stuck to my porch, which may or may not be related to the event in which Jason and Ryan decided to light straws on fire, in effect splattering hot plastic onto Ryan’s flesh.

I have a job now, meaning I spend 9 leisurely hours out in the sun, sort of doing yard work and sort of taking advantage of my aunt and uncle. While Boo and I were mulching, Cecilia presented us both with safari hats with oversized fake sunflowers glued to the brims. I wore it proudly and have since decided that it is my official yard work war paint.

There was a moment of panic in which I realized, moments before my exam, that I had no flippin clue what a blue book was or why it was necessary for me to purchase one ahead of time. So basically I inspired yet another rousing round of “try and spot the art student”.

There is a 50 year old woman in my class who feels the need to overcompensate for her sagging breasts and failing vision by talking entirely too much and trying to arouse the sexual interest of my professor. I have no words for any situation in which a portly old woman decides to hit on her younger professor, though I guess its better than that school teacher who just married the kid she raped at the tender age of 12.

I’m estimating that I have spent easily $200+ on gas in the past three weeks.

I’m leaving the country in roughly three weeks. As of now, I have no plan, no accommodations, no knowledge of any foreign language that might help me, no money (and the dollar is ruined over there, which is sweet), no idea what I’ll be doing, where exactly I’m going or why it is that I decided that this pilgrimage was so essential in the first place. I’ve considered dying my hair brown and carrying around boxes of matzo in hopes that I can pull off a free trip to Israel, since apparently it’s a Jewish birthright. Whatever.

To make a long, convoluted story short through the use of ambiguous pronouns and vague, cryptic references: A few nights ago, in a drunken haze, I witnessed an event that made me very upset and confused. I ignored it, sought an explanation from someone, and should probably let it go. This summer has consisted of a great deal of moments that are purely “what the fuck?”

Ellen and I had a really overdue conversation on the way to Wixom this past weekend. I think its unfortunate that more people don’t recognize how smart and self-aware she can be. It’s strange that neither one of knew anything about each other back in the days when we actually spent time in O-town. As an aside, Wixom first banned us and then quickly became our temporary residence.

I had a plethora of topics to rant about but I just remembered that the Chili Ellen brought me this weekend is still sitting, uneaten, in the corner of the fridge. This has to be fixed.

current mood: awake

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Monday, May 23rd, 2005
11:47 pm - Some things never leave you....
The smoke detector went off earlier today.

In response I turned the lights off and hid for a moment before I remembered that I wasn't in Markley.


Though there could just be something wrong with me.

current mood: high

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12:24 am - I present the following...
Ryan: Here, take Jake’s bowl.
(Ryan hands Jason an electric razor)
Jason: Ryan that’s a razor, who told you it was a bowl.
Ryan: I don’t have time for this!


And now I'm off to study?

fin.

current mood: thirsty

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